Mother's Day Article 2018: The Strength of Mothers

I often imagine how hard it must have been for my mum to bring me and my sister up when we were young. Now that I’m a parent, I find myself armed with a heightened awareness of just how different my imagination is from reality. Being a father to two children with a third on the way, I can now say that I appreciate my mum in a greater measure as I see up-close the challenges that my wife, Michelle, faces in the day-to-day routine of parenting.

As I think about the sacrifices that all mothers make, I am humbled by the kind of work Michelle does in her role as a mother. As I recall our journey from being a married couple with no children to becoming parents, I have seen how she has grown from a wife to becoming a wife and a mother. 

5 years into our marriage, we had our first child. We had our second 2 years later and now our third child is about to be born. The transition from being a wife to becoming a mother has been challenging to say the very least.

“As I think about the sacrifices that all mothers make, I am humbled by the kind of work Michelle does in her role as a mother.”

We had a discussion  about Michelle’s career and spoke at length about how she would manage working a full-time job with the challenging demands of being a mother to 2 young boys. In the end, we decided to try out several different options. Michelle took a year’s absence from full-time work and later filled a part-time role first before returning to teaching full-time. Trying out these different options brought about many challenges and disruptions that required much adjustments to made. I’m very appreciative of the sacrifices that Michelle has made for the family. I will never take for granted the fact that Michelle’s career progression and ambitions have been affected because of these sacrifices that she has made and I am very grateful.  

I know that the experience of carrying a baby for 40 weeks in the womb is, for Michelle, not a comfortable one. To repeat that process three times is something I can only deeply respect. As a guy, I will never experience pregnancy but I imagine it to be similar to doing an Army Training Evaluation Centre (ATEC) evaluation in National Service (for 40 continuous weeks). The mental, physical and emotional energy needed is probably the most comparable in my lousy imagination. How someone can repeat this process 3 times is beyond me. In Michelle’s words, the simple action of lying flat down your tummy after giving birth is akin to tasting heaven. I can identify with that simple joy. To us guys, a similar joy would be to take a shower after an intense week of ATEC outfield exercises. It is so easy to take the small things for granted but my  wife has taught me to cherish much. 

“As a guy, I will never experience pregnancy but I imagine it to be similar to doing an Army Training Evaluation Centre (ATEC) evaluation in NS (for 40 continuous weeks).”

When I see what Michelle does on a regular basis and the amount of energy she expends to carry out all the tasks, it makes army life suddenly looks somewhat manageable. Her daily routine starts at 6am with preparation for the boys to be ready for school and the adults to be ready to work. By 12 midnight, after a full day’s work in school and at home, the wife will collapse onto the bed. The tasks of doing the never-ending laundry, ironing, putting the clothes back into the wardrobe, preparing the children’s cereals and porridge, mopping the floor and doing the dishes may seem ordinary to some but not to me. The intensity of these tasks have made the transition from wife to mother physically challenging. Looking back, I think that our capable parents probably sheltered us from much of this hard work, making our adjustment to the daily riguor of such parenting routines tough and often discouraging. 

Apart from juggling the household chores to her daily work as a teacher, my wife, Michelle,  now juggles the additional daily routine of looking after the boys. This to me is execution power at its highest level. There is an insane amount of detail one needs to be concerned about – from remembering to stock up on groceries and regular household items, to remembering the kinds of medicine the children need to take and the dosage, to all the different childcare details etc. I’m so glad that someone like me who is not a naturally detail-oriented person has someone like Michelle to share this burden with.

Michelle will always claims that “mother’s instinct” is a fallacy and I can understand where she comes from. I observe a huge amount of discipline that Michelle undertakes to make sure things get done and responsibilities are taken care of. She works really hard. I’m so glad that I married a wife who has Responsibility, Achiever and Discipline as her strengths!

“If God’s desire is to make us holy rather than happy, I can truly say with certainty that parenting is a divine work.”

Reflecting on the work my wife puts in for our family has made me think hard about the idea of Godly work. If God’s desire is to make us holy rather than happy, I can truly say with certainty that parenting is a divine work. Becoming parents is a path that Michelle and I made together by choice. I see it as a similar path to the one Jesus took when he carried the cross to Calvary – a path filled with pain and suffering but one that signifies obedience. This path is not one taken out of convenience but of conviction. Walking this path has led Michelle to seek God more in her times of need, reflect on her own character flaws and allowed God to continue to mold and shape her. If there is one aspect that I want to specially pay tribute to, it will be my wife’s resolve to please God in the holy work of parenting. I think that is a strength Michelle has truly exhibited. I am glad to have experienced my wife’s walk with God first-hand. 

I now have a deeper sense of how motherhood is a high and divine calling, one that is holy work and certainly not lesser than other kinds of work. I pray that God's blessings and grace continue to be given to all the mothers out there. Happy Mother’s Day!
 

*This article was first written as a guest article for Church of Our Saviour Singapore, published under the title of "The Holy Work of Mothers". This version has been slightly edited and re-published. 

Worship In Our Workplace: 7 Practical Ways

As a former full time church worker, I used to lead worship in my church as well as oversee the Youth Ministry Worship team from Church of Our Saviour, Singapore. Worship is a topic that I have always been very interested in. When I speak to different Christians on what worship is, I get a variety of responses. There are different perceptions on what worship is about.

My Senior Pastor, Daniel Wee, once spoke about what true worship is: an act of love, a burnt offering, something we give because we love God and we can anticipate His pleasure. That resonated with me.

As an entrepreneur and professional coach, I desire to take this idea of worship deep into the work I do. Often, I think about how I can listen to my clients without judgment. I think about how to hold space for them to share safely and openly. I think about how I can engage in difficult conversations with gentleness, courage and compassion. Whenever I run the CliftonStrengths (formerly StrengthsFinder) workshops for clients, I think about how to be a blessing to each participant. In short, I am constantly thinking about how I express my worship to God through my work. 

I am writing this article to share my thoughts and reflections on how I have taken this idea of worship into my my work as an executive and team coach through simple and practical ways.

The bible tells us to love God with all our heart, soul and mind. We are also called to love our neighbour as we love ourselves. One of the most straightforward ideas of worship lies in loving our neighbour - being that good Samaritan to the wounded man. We can anticipate that God will be glorified and delighted when we give our best to love our neighbours at work.

So, how can we worship God through loving our neighbour in our workplace?

1. Intentionally create space to relate

Because our God is a relational God, our worship must therefore be reflected in an active lifestyle of loving our neighbours. Many Christians are content to accept the idea of worship as mainly to give our best piece of “work” to God. This perspective must be challenged.

As Christians, we must be intentional in loving others. Especially in Singapore, where busyness is the norm, it is often challenging to create space to love. For me, loving means being intentional to listen to others. It is creating a capacity in our hearts to listen to others’ needs. It is carving out time for others. It is finding ways to reduce the end-to-end busyness so that we can have time to attend to others, to help when there is a need. Most Christians do not find it hard to help others when they have time to spare. It is when they are so packed with activities (this includes ministry activities) that they end up neglecting real needs.

Often, fulfilling experiences can come out of simple but deep conversations with a fellow colleague. My wife, Michelle, recently shared with me a delightful experience she had. It was her simply having a deep conversation on a bus ride home with her colleague. One of the most enjoyable things at work for me was to make time to connect with different coaches on a 1 on 1 basis. Coaches also need support and I intentionally choose to be a support to other coaches as well as therapists.

2. Show Grace when it is least expected

Grace is extravagant. Grace is the idea of the Father eagerly waiting for the prodigal son to return home and to give him the best when the son least expects it. Grace is that gift when a person least expects one.

Interestingly, I have noticed that people seem to remember the moments when someone at work goes the extra mile to help with a kind deed. That is love in action. That is extending grace; going beyond what is expected, beyond the “this is my job” mentality. Over the years, I've lost count of the times my colleagues showed me what practical grace is about. 

When we are upset and feel like doing something that resembles a tit for tat, pause and take a deep breath. Another way to show grace is to respond in the opposite spirit. Respond in love and kindness. Do something in love for that person who might not deserve it.

I'm thankful that I am often reminded to extend grace because of how others have treated me.

3. Pray for our co-workers

There is no better Kingdom-minded way of worshiping God in our workplace than by infusing prayer into every part of our work.

Praying for a client, a co-worker at the right moment when we sense that something is weighing on their hearts is a powerful way of obeying the Spirit’s prompting. One of the ways of being led by the Spirit is to be mindful of the opportunity to minister to others through prayer.

Needless to say, we need to first ask for permission to pray for the individual. The person might respond with a simple “yes and thank you”. Our response is to pray and believe the work of love is done in the heart of the person by the Holy Spirit. If the individual rejects us when we ask for permission to pray, (in my experience, that almost never happens), that gesture shown is already an act of love.

4. Encourage others with kind words

“Pleasant words are a honeycomb, Sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” Proverbs 16:24

Many may consider that speaking kind words might seem more of a Western than an Asian concept. But, the Bible does encourage us to do more of that.

A practical action would be to catch someone doing something right and to specifically give encouraging words that highlight the right action. Rather than a generic “good job”, be specific and describe the action or attitude. For example, “I saw you restraining yourself when the easier way was to lash out. I thought that was a fantastic response!”

Learning to catch someone doing good is learning to be observant of Christ-like behavior.

5. Help those in trouble

“The LORD also will be a stronghold for the oppressed, A stronghold in times of trouble” Psalm 9:9

Bullying happens frequently at the workplace. How are we responding to bullying in the workplace?

While the answer might not often be straightforward, the one thing we can do is to show concern for those who feel marginalized. Be a listening ear; pray with this person and ask God to replace negative emotions with His compassion. We can also stand up for the injustice when the Holy Spirit prompts us.

6. Honor your leaders

Most of us might take issue with these 3 types of leaders we perceive:

Incompetent leaders

Uncaring leaders

Dishonest leaders

While our perceptions might not reflect the truth, they affect our attitudes and our responses.

Honoring the incompetent leader means employing a Christ-like attitude to serve them as followers. Find ways to build them up rather than tear them down. Think about what they are good at rather than what they are bad at. Play to our leaders’ strengths. Eventually, we reap what we sow when we become leaders ourselves. Followership is just as important as leadership. Our ability to follow reflects our heart attitude.

Honoring the uncaring leader means we respond in kindness and compassion. Rather than complaining about their lack of love and care, we initiate and show kindness to these leaders through small acts of love, encouraging words and prayer.

Honoring the dishonest leader does not mean agreeing with malpractice. Honoring means giving value to the person rather than the behavior. This means that we learn to see with the eyes of compassion and believe that God will be the merciful judge. We pray for wisdom to find ways to influence. We pray for courage to reject any dishonest dealings. We pray for restraint from bad mouthing our leader and try our best not to speak ill of a person whom Jesus passionately loves.

7. Practice forgiveness

Forgiveness is a matter of the heart. Many of us find it difficult to apologize and say sorry. It is often even harder to release forgiveness to those who have hurt us. True worship teaches us that the surrendering of our hearts is pleasing to God. Releasing forgiveness to a person is saying to God that we surrender to His sovereign plans and we believe in His amazing grace. Forgiveness is a powerful act of obedience to God.

We can worship God by practicing forgiveness and keeping short accounts. Forgiveness teaches us about the condition of our hearts and reveals our ability to render God as King.

In conclusion… 

These points have come about about from my own struggles in practising the concept of worship at work. I have learnt over the years is that true worship is really about being a living sacrifice. God does not expect us to be perfect. He sees our struggles and He receives our burnt offerings.

*All scripture quotations have been taken from the New American Standard Bible (NASB).

Overcoming the Deficit

My 5-year-old son, Lucas often asks me: “Why does 弟弟 (younger brother) have this [toy] but I don’t?” This recurring question caught my attention recently because I could relate it to many similar experiences at work. In my job as a professional trainer helping people discover and apply their strengths, I have often experienced this particular mindset that seems to exist among many who have attended the Gallup StrengthsFinder workshops that I conduct, both in Singapore and also around the Asia region. This mentality expresses itself most naturally by focusing on what we do not have rather than what we have.

I define this as a ‘deficit thinking mentality’.

The ‘deficit thinking mentality’ causes many to be in discontent. I find it interesting, whenever I run training workshops, to observe the different behaviours of my participants and the types of questions that they pose. Those with a ‘deficit’ mindset will more likely than not complain about their lack of strengths and some may even reject their own strengths as they compare themselves with the strengths of others.

Rather than focusing on what strengths they already have and how they can apply them, many choose instead to focus their thoughts on what they do not have, therefore empowering the fear of lack. I have observed that this ‘deficit thinking mentality’ appears to span across both genders, age groups, and even tiers of leadership positions.

In my preparation for 2017, I found myself wondering about the extent to which @@the ‘deficit thinking mentality’ has stopped us from living the abundant life that Jesus has given@@. It is probably reasonable to suggest that there are many Christians who empower this mindset and struggle with the fear of lack as a result. I, for one, am guilty of allowing this fear to manifest in different areas of my life.

I believe that the ‘deficit thinking mentality’ is robbing many (myself included) from experiencing God’s abundant grace and providence in our lives. The Bible talks a lot about this idea of lack, and many passages reveal that it is common for people to struggle with this mindset. One of the earliest passages that clearly highlights this human condition can be found in Exodus 16.

Exodus 16:15-20
When the sons of Israel saw it, they said to one another, “What is it?” For they did not know what it was. And Moses said to them, “It is the bread which the LORD has given you to eat. This is what the LORD has commanded, ‘Gather of it every man as much as he should eat; you shall take an omer apiece according to the number of persons each of you has in his tent.’” The sons of Israel did so, and some gathered much and some little. When they measured it with an omer, he who had gathered much had no excess, and he who had gathered little had no lack; every man gathered as much as he should eat.  Moses said to them, “Let no man leave any of it until morning.” But they did not listen to Moses, and some left part of it until morning, and it bred worms and became foul; and Moses was angry with them.

The passage clearly shows that many Israelites had a fear of lack and gathered more food than they needed. Where did this fear come from? This question is not easy to answer. What seems clearer to me is:  since the early days of biblical history, we humans have struggled with this fear of lack and the ‘deficit thinking mentality’. If we desire to delete the deficit thinking in both our hearts and minds, and trust in God wholeheartedly, then a good question to ponder on is:

“@@How have I manifested the fear of lack in my own life?@@”

As we enter into 2017, wondering about the plans that God may have in store for us for the rest of this year, may I suggest that we start first by giving thanks for all that God has given us - both big and small. I believe that the simple yet powerful solution to counter this fear of lack is in the practice of giving thanks.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 says, “in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 

It might be helpful to set aside time to list down all the different things we want to give thanks for. As we do this, we are also intentionally creating capacity in our hearts to draw us back to the heart of our generous Father in Heaven who gives to His children beyond measure. The practice of giving thanks also prepares our hearts for the right posture to put our faith in God as our Provider. Naturally, this process helps us to combat the ‘deficit thinking mentality’ and the natural outcome is often a heart that will also create space to appreciate others.

As we count our blessings, we develop a faith that looks forward with a hope and a future.
How much are you looking forward to 2017? The answer to this question will likely correlate with how much you have been thankful for in 2016. If you haven’t done so already, start preparing for the rest of 2017 by writing down a whole list of things you can give thanks to God for today!

Wishing everyone a blessed year ahead!

This article was first published on the COOS website.
 

People Engagement in Churches: Making a Positive Connection

*This article was first published on the Church of Our Saviour blog on October 2016.

During my time as a full-time Youth Pastor in Church of Our Saviour Singapore, I sought primarily to help young people shape their inner lives the way I felt mine was shaped – by focusing on what we thought was wrong with human beings. To me, it was about knowing the sinful nature of man and learning to lean on God’s grace and mercy. I have many stories about my own insecurities and fears, and how God has transformed my life.

I have come to realize now, that focusing on the ‘bad’ is not just inadequate but seems to have a detrimental effect especially when engaging people for the purpose of discipleship.

Many of us (myself included) are often quick to point out the shortcomings of others and then offer solutions (inner healing, counseling, etc.) to overcome them. When we do this, we fall short of empowering people to use their gifts and talents. We may be skilled at explaining the sinful nature of man but what about describing what a victorious Christian life should look like? As a leader, I have discovered that revealing the truth about our human weakness is definitely necessary but to focus on those weaknesses is hardly the encouragement that one needs.

An article in the Business Times on 01 August 2016 highlighted that more than half of Singapore companies have experienced staff who are physically present but mentally absent. According to the research, this phenomenon, termed “inner resignation” has been observed in 57 per cent of Singapore businesses.

Employee Engagement is a key issue in society today. It seems that in church, it is no different. It is not a wild idea to suggest that only a small proportion of church members feel engaged.

In my personal observation, our obsession with human weakness has hindered us in engaging and discipling people in the workforce as well as in church. Similarly in biological families, an increasing number of young people feel the disconnect at home because parents repeatedly only highlight what is wrong. Affirmations and encouragements appear to be a rarity.

Here’s another alarming fact. The World Health Organization has indicated that by 2020, depression will be the number 1 disease with the greatest negative impact on the global community. We are well on the way because depression currently sits at number 2 and by 2020, many of our young people will become adults.

There is a growing realization that in order to know how to overcome depression, we must study people who live meaningful, fulfilled and happy lives. Understanding the factors that are needed to help people stay positive has prompted the development of a branch of psychology known as “positive psychology”.

So, what if we focus on what’s right with people?

In the beginning of this year, I realized that I have spent the last 10 years focused on looking at the ‘wrong’ in people. I decided that I needed to realign my focus on what is right instead and I’ve since left ministry to set up my own company. I now help others discover their strengths through programs on employee engagement and student development using a tool called CliftonStrengths (formerly known as Gallup StrengthsFinder).

I pray that a paradigm shift takes place in our mindsets because I strongly believe that helping people discover what’s right with them is just as important as discovering what’s wrong. Looking at what’s right is critical in learning how to live a victorious life.

With this new outlook, how can we journey forward together especially as a church community?

1. Focusing on strengths

In 1 Corinthians 12, Paul describes the body of Christ, how we are all made uniquely and how we need one another to function to capacity. Each one of us is empowered with God-given talents and gifts to make a difference and be the salt and light in our community.

By focusing on our strengths, we start to respect the strengths that different individuals have so that we can go deeper in living out the concept of the body of Christ. In this way, we can build a culture of honour within the body of Christ. By learning to appreciate our unique talents, we can serve one another and even respectfully admonish and give constructive feedback. We earn that right to speak because people know what they are appreciated for. By focusing on our strengths, we catch people doing good as opposed to only catching people doing wrong.

“A leader needs to know his strengths as a carpenter knows his tools, or a physician knows the instruments at her disposal. What great leaders have in common is that each truly knows his or her strengths – and call on the right strength at the right time.” – the late Donald Clifton, author of Strengths-based Leadership.

2. Cultivate an attitude of gratefulness

The bible commands us to give thanks to God. Giving thanks changes our inner attitudes and helps us to be positive and hopeful in Christ. In a society where there is so much malice, bitterness and anger, cultivating a thankful heart helps us to appreciate one another. It also allows us to love and to receive love.

Try this exercise of giving thanks, 15 minutes a week. Do this with your family, do this with your friends. Do this for 10 consecutive weeks and observe the effects.

Questions for self-reflection:

• From a scale of 0-10, how aware are you of your own strengths?

• Reflect and think about how you are using your strengths for each of these areas: marriage, family, work, ministry.

• How can you be more intentional in cultivating a thankful heart?

Written by Victor Seet

Reflections of a Former Youth Pastor: Engaging Young People

When I first did my StrengthsFinder assessment and saw my full 34 results, I realized that my Maximizer talent theme was pretty strong in my former role as a Youth Pastor in Church of Our Saviour Singapore. The more I felt my strengths were engaged in my work, the more motivated I was to carry on the emotionally draining work of a Youth Pastor. I also had another realization - the way I wanted to be engaged in my work as a Youth Pastor was exactly the same way the youth wanted to be engaged - through their Strengths, or Talent Themes in Strengthsfinder lingo. 

These discoveries led to some personal reflections. One thought stood out, “How do I engage the youth to be the kind of people God wants them to be?” This was the key question that I grappled with, serving as a Youth Pastor in a church in Singapore. This question guided my thoughts on leadership development, organizing training programs, youth camps and outreach programs. To me, this question is the heart of biblical discipleship. 

How do I engage the youth to be the kind of people God wants them to be? I like to share some of my own journey. 

1. Engage the Youth by leveraging their talents

Renowned soccer coach, Jose Mourinho, when asked about managing outrageous talent, said this - "The toughest thing is when you don't have that talent! I never understood when people say that is a problem, or that you can have a special talent but not two or three or four. I want 11 special talents!"

Intuitively, I understood what Jose Mourinho was talking about. There are many youths who are crying out to be engaged today. Many troubled youths have great talents that are not harnessed because of their noticeable character weaknesses. A large number end up leaving the Church. Amongst Christians, it is common knowledge that no one is perfect, except Jesus. The Maximizer in me reckoned that since it is so easy to spot character weaknesses (of which I have no lack), I might as well try to spot talents in order to engage the young people. I decided that if I communicated my belief to the youth and engage them based on their talents or strengths rather than their flaws or weaknesses, they may open up themselves to me and allow me to establish trust with them. 

Since this conviction, the most powerful statement I used in my attempt to engage youths is “I believe in you!”. This phrase is supplemented by the many opportunities I gave to these youth as a Youth Pastor. Roles and responsibilities were offered to them to reinforce the belief I have in these young people. 

That was not without challenges. Most of the time, I chose to go against the conventional approach, i.e. "prove to me you are spiritually mature and you shall be given a role". 

Instead, it was, “I trust you and I believe in you even though you have many flaws. Take on this role, let me walk with you and show me that we can count on each other.” This approach, though extremely challenging and at times heart-breaking, has yielded much fruit. I stand proud, seeing many transformed lives, many of whom have become influential leaders in the church today. They may have started in their roles “judged” by many to be incapable or unsuitable (because of their behaviours or personalities). Yet, they have overcome to become the leaders of the future. One such talented and highly influential youth is ‘Samuel'. Against the odds, he overcame some moral failures in his life, accepted the consequences of church discipline and bounced back stronger. Today, he inspires many younger ones through his life. 

To me, the statement "Be the kind of person God wants you to be" means that the person’s potential must be maximized, fully lived out. After all, it is the Creator who gives us these Talents for a reason. 

READ: People Engagement in Churches: Making a Positive Connection

2. Leverage on Strengths as a new approach to teamwork. 

As a Youth Pastor, I realized I intuitively sought mature leaders with particular strengths (that complement mine) to build a dynamic and strong Leadership TEAM. I had no doubt that the best team is an all-rounded team, at least in my mind. One of the best memories I have as a Youth Pastor was leading a core team of leaders who started out with little experience; yet each individual capitalized on his/her strengths to serve the team and the whole youth ministry. 

As a Youth Ministry leadership team, we were highly dynamic and deeply connected. Strong in all four domains of leadership, each individual contributes with unique perspectives and talents. The one strong in Responsibility makes sure every program runs smoothly and was strong in following through. The one strong in Woo and Connectedness makes sure every new person was personally known and connected with others. The one strong in Empathy and Developer makes sure the pastoral care and counselling needs were met.

The one strong in Analytical and Harmony highlights key areas of strengths and weaknesses by studying patterns and data for the team to work on. As a leader with the Maximizer talent theme, I leverage on each person’s strengths and draw out their best for the team.  

I am highly convinced that other than the conventional approach of leveraging on skill sets and work experiences to build a strong team performance, there is another approach that is just as powerful - leveraging on each other’s unique Strengths. A strengths-based approach to teamwork and engagement allows for different people to contribute in their own unique and impactful ways. In giving opportunities to do what they do best on a regular basis, individuals are encouraged to continue to use their strengths to serve the church and the community with greater joy and passion. 

3. Own your Strengths journey and lead by example.

One has to realize that leadership is most powerful by example. The Five Practices of Exemplary Leadership Model has "Model the Way" as the 1st practice. It is critical that leaders walk the talk and live out their convictions. 

Over the years, I realized that I am poor at receiving criticisms (at least in my mind – my immediate reaction is often poor). Somehow, my facial expression or the “defensive responses” I give to others tend to be a huge turn-off for many wanting to give me feedback. I do suspect that as a Maximizer, who takes pride in being excellent, being told that I am not “good” in something can be very damaging to my confidence. In order to excel as a leader, I started to pray and intentionally seek God to teach me humility. Indeed, "Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth"!

This ability to accept criticisms and feedback continues to be a key area I hope to grow in. The ongoing journey has been for me to learn to receive feedback with a more open heart. I have discovered that when I receive feedback and advice from others, I also end up validating their strengths which in turn allowed me to leverage from them in increasing measure. 

Ending Note: It has been over 10 years since I left the role of Youth Pastor. But the journey of engaging young people will be one that continues on. "Seeing every generation live out their full potential."

Reflections on Fathering

Parenting is hard work. But working hard and seeing the fruits of our labour, often gives us a deep sense of satisfaction.

I became a father for the first time to my son, Lucas in December 2012. The journey to fatherhood made me sweat and gave me tears but I will never exchange the experience for anything. Being a first-time dad is amazing, it has given me many new revelations about God the Father. This article shares some of what I’ve learnt and my reflections in this journey of fatherhood.

1. Enjoying God’s presence

There was this one evening when I was lying on the bed with Lucas. He was just lying next to me, smiling at me. I realized then that I really enjoy my son’s presence as well as his smile, and I think the feeling was mutual. We were simply lying down side by side, there was no need to do anything else but enjoy each other’s presence. I suddenly had a simple thought – God, as a Father, desires to be very close to His children. He willingly draws close to me without me needing to do anything. When I express my joy to be in His presence, God the Father enjoys it very much!

2. God’s Commitment towards me

As I reflect about my lifelong commitment to Lucas, I realized that it is different from my commitment to my wife, Michelle. I made a conscious decision to choose Michelle as my wife. When we were dating, I saw how we could love one another and I also saw that she committed herself to loving me. That gave me the assurance to make a commitment to marriage. For Lucas, on the other hand, I am committed to loving him without knowing if he will respond in appreciation. When Jesus died on the cross, his commitment to each human being could be unappreciated, but He did it anyway. I finally understand the depth of God’s commitment to us! It is not about needing love to be reciprocated. It is simply giving and not expecting anything back in return. The unconditional love of God can often be paralleled to the unconditional love of a parent towards their child.

READ: Using StrengthsFinder for Relationships - Family Conversations

3. Love from the Community

It was not easy for me, neither was it easy for Michelle when we became first-time parents but the love we were shown from the community around us made a huge difference. The different people who stepped in to help us when we were struggling showed me how the different members of the body of Christ work together to care, bless and give to one another. From gifts, to quality time; encouraging words, to acts of service, we were greatly blessed. Being around a loving community helped us tremendously and I believe that this was a demonstration of true Christian fellowship. Being a Christian is not just about attending church but also about joyfully serving and blessing others. I’m so thankful for the people who gave generously!

4. Being ready for solid food

When I was feeding Lucas his milk one evening, it dawned upon me that he was drinking milk because he was not yet ready for solids. I was reminded of this particular verse from the bible:

Dear brothers and sisters, when I was with you I couldn’t talk to you as I would to spiritual people. I had to talk as though you belonged to this world or as though you were infants in Christ. I had to feed you with milk, not with solid food, because you weren’t ready for anything stronger. And you still aren’t ready, for you are still controlled by your sinful nature. You are jealous of one another and quarrel with each other. Doesn’t that prove you are controlled by your sinful nature?

[1 Corinthians 3:1-3 NLT]

I had a thought. For a Christian, moving towards solid food represents progress and growth – moving away from worldly values and towards a desire to know God and God’s work. A point of reflection for me was, “As a Christian, am I ready for solid food or am I actually still drinking milk and totally unaware of my need for solids?”

In a similar fashion, when I coach people using the StrengthsFinder tool, I often have to help my coachees understand that they need to grow their strengths, from infancy to maturity. Using our strengths at an infancy stage bring a lot of pain to others and onto ourselves. As I feed Lucas his milk, I am reminded to reflect on how I use my strengths, both at work and at home. 

5. Ignorance to sin

There was another time when Lucas pooped in the middle of the night. I woke up (feeling really groggy) and needed to change his diapers. As I was cleaning him up, I saw him staring at me totally ignorant of the smell and the mess he had created. Worst of all, he had just taken away my precious sleep and time of rest. Very annoying indeed! This made me reflect on God’s grace in my life. I have often been guilty of creating a big mess with my sin and yet, he helps me clean it up every single time.

6. Recognizing God’s voice

It gives me such joy knowing that Lucas recognizes me when I call out to him. The joy and satisfaction is indescribable. I can imagine how God must feel when I recognize His presence and understand what He is speaking to me about. As a father, I often yearn to know that Lucas understands what I’m saying to him. Hearing God’s voice is critical in our Christian journey. When Lucas recognizes my voice, he can be directed and he can feel safe knowing that I am present. As his father, I get so much joy from knowing that Lucas is listening to my voice. To recognize God and to know His voice can make a huge difference to both myself and God the Father. I now have a deeper revelation about God’s command to hide His Word in my heart. Knowing what God is saying through His Word  is akin to Lucas understanding and listening to my instructions.

7. The Still Small Voice of God

The bible mentions that God often speaks in a still small voice. One example is the story in 1 Kings 19 when Elijah heard from God in a voice that was gentle and filled with love. One of the things I love to do when I come back home from work is to go to my son and whisper to him, “Daddy is back. Daddy loves you.” I do that not to get his attention but simply because want to tell him that I love him. I think that God’s voice is like this. Always gentle and caring.

READ Another Article: The Strength of Mothers

8. God’s Love is Patient

As a father, I realized the amount of patience that is needed for parents to calm a fussy baby down. I struggle immensely whenever Lucas cries out in a sustainable high-pitched voice. It takes me so much patience to remain cool and counter his screams with a voice that is both reassuring and calm. This does not always work and his response reminds me of the many times I myself fuss and get upset. I know that when I want to blow my top or to lash out,  God’s gentle voice to calm me down is probably ignored and swept aside. I now know how patient God is with me.

With this knowledge, I yearn to be more patient, not just at home but also at work. As a boss and founder of Strengths School™, I desire to be a good role model leader to my team. I'm also beginning to grasp more and more how patience is such an important trait to have as a StrengthsFinder Coach. While being patient clearly is a huge challenge being an Activator, I believe that God's grace is more than sufficient.

Concluding thoughts: I strongly believe that God does not shortchange us. While I often struggle with the many inconveniences I now have to deal with as a father, I have gained lots of beautiful perspectives that I know I wouldn’t otherwise have received. If you have just become a father or are preparing to be one, I hope your experiences with your child will bless you richly!